Checking In With Your Spirit - How To Get What You Need

When was the last time you asked yourself what you need? I mean really went within and took stock of what may be missing that you could add to your days?

So many of us deal with a lot of daily stress and money worries and lack of sleep. And in the midst of all of this and of taking care of others, we forget that we need to take care of ourselves. Heck sometimes we actually forget HOW to take care of ourselves. We view taking time for ourselves or doing something pleasurable as frivolous. Like we should be working or doing or planning or cleaning or taking the kids here and there and we rarely take stock of what we NEED.

There are things we need in order to fill our spirits up, that part of us within that lights us up and makes us tick. We bury that part of ourselves a lot, be it consciously or unconsciously. And whether we realize it or not it fights to shine its light! But it is up to us to figure out how to do that. And at different times that mechanism can be different things.

If I were to stop right now and ask myself what I need most at the moment I would say rest and meditation. There may be other times when the answer would be a long walk in a beautiful park. Or a conversation with someone who really GETS me. Or to blow off some steam and have some fun. But the key is to do the asking.

And to truly LISTEN to the answer.

One of my clients told me the other day that her answer is journaling and taking yoga. She was feeling extremely stressed out and took the time to get quiet and go within and ask what she needs right now. And when she did that she got her answer.

So I invite you to do the same. Find a space with minimal noise and close your eyes. Gently take in 5 or 6 deep breaths and imagine letting go of whatever is on your mind at the moment with your out breath. Breathe out your concerns. And when you feel ready ask yourself "what do I need right now?"

Maybe your answer is a little TLC, or to be more easy on yourself, or that you need to clear the air with someone. Maybe you get that you need to plan that weekend getaway that you have been meaning to. Maybe you need to have that special meal you have been craving for awhile.

Or maybe you don't get an answer right away. And that's OK if that happens. If it does just leave yourself alone. Let the question be posed and just stay open to what comes to you for the rest of the day.

It's perfectly OK to check in with yourself on what you need. When you do you not only become more aware of what can help you be in your best frame of mind, you do a favor for those around you by putting yourself there. When we take care of ourselves we are in the best place to take care of others. And when we take care of our self, we are less likely to need other people to behave in specific ways to help fill our needs.

We take control of what will help us to be our best selves. And that is OK!!

The Best Wellness "Product" There Is

I haven't written about coaching in a long time. The actual practice of coaching. And as it is something I pretty much eat, sleep and breathe, I often find myself wondering not only how to raise awareness of how amazing it is, but also wondering what it is that keeps people from either getting a coach or at least learning more about what coaching can do. So I just want to share my 3 main thoughts as to what I think may stop people.

Number one is most likely money. We all worry about money. Most of us constantly feel like we don't have enough of it. In fact we probably think about money much more than we even realize. So we decide that we don't want to spend any money on ourselves. We neglect to place value on our own well being. We will invest in our body through clothes and exercise and healthy food. We will spend money on getting our nails and toes painted and our hair colored but we do not place importance on spending money on our spiritual well being. And by spiritual here I refer to our spirit - our mental and emotional health.

We fail to see that our inner growth, peace, expansion and balance actually affects our life 100 x more than what color is on our nails or how big our muscles are. And that part of us affects our relationships, our physical health, our work (our ability to MAKE money) and the way we parent. We don't realize that all of these areas of our lives can experience beneficial change when we start to value our inner well being.

And the second part of the money equation is that most often we are focused on the lack of. Focusing on lack only adds fuel to creating more lack. When  we stay focused on what we don't have, we attract more of the same into our lives...more of what we don't have! We stand in our own way of having more because our backs are turned away from that possibility and only focus on what it is we need more of (aka LACK)! Coaching is a powerful process that aids us in recognizing where our focus is and turning it onto things that feel better and enable us to attract more of what we DO want in our lives. And that includes money!!

The third point I always wonder about is how people think of coaches in terms of who they are as people. Do people think coaches live perfect lives doing everything the "right" way and thus feel almost inferior when their own lives are in such disarray? Because I can tell you first hand that that is not the case.

My life can be and has been in disarray. And the funny thing is as a coach you start beating yourself up about that, feeling like you are not qualified to coach. When really it's that exact fact, the acceptance of my imperfections and the perseverance through hardships, that qualifies me to coach. I am not perfect. My life is messy sometimes. I have made bad decisions and I have hurt people. But I do not define myself by those things. I define myself by who I choose to be in this moment. And so I choose to open up my life and myself in order to help others. I stumble and fall sometimes but I get back up improved with even more to offer my clients.

I take the time to study human behavior and the ways to live a happy life. I put all of me into this study so that I can share what I learn.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day who felt there was no point in going to therapy over something he was going through if the therapist had not walked in his shoes. And while coaching is not therapy, I responded saying I don't profess to know more than my clients nor to walk in anyone else's shoes. But I can offer my perspective and that outside, non emotionally charged perspective can CHANGE things immensely.

So what qualifies me to coach is that I am just like everybody else. Insecure and unsure at times but wanting to be the best possible version of me. And that takes time, in fact the journey is on going. But I know how much better things look and feel from this place. And I want others to know and feel it as well. I want to know and experience myself fully and pass the impact that the joy of doing so has on to others. And to me, that is what my coaching does. And my hope and wish is that at some point many others will choose to go on the ride with me!

Or at least find a coach that truly resonates with you and with what you want to accomplish.

I truly believe the best wellness "product" we can invest in is OUR SPIRIT!!

What If It Was Supposed To Happen That Way?

I had a pretty amazing experience happen to me about a week ago that I want to share because it really served to reinforce a major point in my belief system. Well, it didn't happen directly to me, but to my son and ex-husband. But indirectly it was my (very emotional) experience and proof to me that sometimes things happen for reasons that we are not understanding at the time but that ultimately serve our highest good.

Before I tell you the story I just want to make a point to offset any eye rolling responses to the phrase "everything happens for a reason" as that is not exactly what I am saying here. I understand that people who have experienced tragedies or extremely difficult times might find that phrase to be offensive.

What I am saying is that there are many times in life when things do not go the way we planned them to. We get angry and frustrated and down on life, God, the universe and anyone else we can bring into our blame circle. We get caught up in this extreme annoyance, literally cutting off our awareness to the fact that things may very well be occurring for what benefits us in the long run or in Heather speak, for what is ultimately serving your highest good.

Meaning what is really best for you in support of what you most desire in life as well as for your safety and your well being.

OK so you are probably thinking enough "talking," please tell your story. So here it is.

My son got taken on a spring break trip to Florida a couple of weeks ago. Suffice it to say this was a bit hard on mom as it was the longest I have ever been away from my baby. Yes I am a mother and he will always be my baby. But I kept myself very busy and the time actually went fast. And on the day he was supposed to come home I could barely contain my excitement to see and hold and kiss my son.

So I was happily following their flight status online (T minus 3 hours) when the phone rang.

It was my ex-husband telling me that they had gotten booted off the oversold flight. And not only were they not able to take their original flight, they were now going to be re-routed through a non direct flight that would get them home the following evening.

Needless to say we were both quite upset. And even though I had a fleeting thought of "maybe they weren't supposed to be on that flight" I must admit my trust in the mechanism I talked about at the beginning of this post was completely overshadowed by my emotion.

I wasn't going to get to see my son in 3 hours. The time had now turned to 24. He was going to rack up yet another absence from school. Who knew where they were going to stay overnight. I wondered if he was upset too.

It was not a good head space I was in.

After about a half hour of being completely wrapped up in upset, I got a text from my ex. The plane that they were originally supposed to be on had ended up having to make an emergency landing due to engine failure.

I was stopped in my tracks.

And I was grateful. Just simply grateful in that moment. I don't believe anyone on the flight was physically hurt, but I cannot imagine what they went through emotionally and I was beyond thankful that my son and my ex were not on that flight.

I tell this story because it is so incredible to me and because I feel it is such a shining example of trusting that when things don't work out exactly they way we WANT, that they may be turning out the way that serves us the most. Even if we can't see that in that moment.

So I invite you to think about what trust and faith mean to you. And next time you find yourself upset over things not going the way you had planned, perhaps they even look terrible, ask yourself if there could be something bigger happening to serve you more. Again, even if you don't see it then.

Oh and by the way, they ended up getting on a flight home that night. :)

What Really Makes Our Kids Feel Better

The other day I was driving my son to school and he was telling me a heartwarming story of his journey to

“look cool” on that particular day. He had donned his snow boots before we left the house and asked me where his sunglasses were, which he proudly put on upon my handing them to him. And as we rode along he proceeded to excitedly tell me how he was looking forward to his day in school of looking cool.

And when I picked him up later that day, I could see he was feeling more deflated than elated so I began exploring why. Turns out one of his classmates told him he could not wear his sunglasses all day. (and I realized I had not known this was going to be an all day accessory for him).

On top of being told this by his friend, “there were a lot of people around too.” And as I began commenting that sunglasses really shouldn’t be worn inside and he didn’t need to feel bad about what the other kids were saying, I stopped myself.

And I simply said “I bet you felt embarrassed didn’t you?” And he nodded. And I said a silent prayer of thanks that it hit me in time that my son didn’t really need any kind of should comment or even me trying to make him feel better. In that moment I had the realization that what he probably needed most was just some validation of his feelings.

It left me pondering how much we try taking hurt and pain away from our kids by trying to make them feel better about what’s bothering them instead of just feeling their pain with them for a minute and letting them know we understand.

I remember being a kid and thinking about how much parents didn’t understand anything. Now as a parent myself I wonder is that what our kids need most, simple understanding?

I am starting to believe they don’t need us bending over backwards trying to make them feel better all the time. In that moment they feel bad and they are not going to buy into, or probably even really hear, what we are saying. They are hurt or upset or embarrassed and they want to be validated.

Of course we are here to teach our children and to comfort and protect them. But it’s possible that a lot of times we are missing the crucial element of letting them know we understand their feelings instead of trying to put a band aid over them.

So this is my next parenting endeavor. I intend to be on high watch for when I am trying to be a salve instead of a sounding board. And I want to try validating my son’s feelings before I go crazy trying to make him feel better. We are not so different ourselves. Think about how nice it feels when someone really gets where we are coming from.

It’s the same for our kids. We just don’t like to see them hurt. But they are sometimes. So perhaps our quest as parents is to be vigilant as to when they need our understanding the most. And then give them just that.

Next time your precious child tells you how they have been hurt by something, take a deep breath before responding and assess what they might need most in that moment. Sometimes a hug and some understanding will be worth more than a thousand words!

For more info please visit heatheroneillcoaching.com.

But It's Only A TV Show!

I used to be a huge fan of Law and Order SVU. Loved trying to figure out who the perp was and of course Chris Meloni was an added benefit! :) But when I realized how fearful I got whenever I was home alone and then began following the trail of images and stories, I couldn't deny what was at the end of them.

And alas I decided to stop watching or else live with these horrible images at the ready anytime the setting was ripe for them to grow my fear.

Now my current television ban for that same reason is the news. I won't make this a post about how I believe our news media creates and perpetuates a fear based society, but I do know that it does me no good to hear about all of the awful things that happen that are so called "news."

I am not saying I want to hide my head in the sand and pretend there are not tragedies and horrors, but as much as I know they exist I also KNOW of goodness and love and heroics that unfortunately are not what is being reported as often. And that is what I seek out in terms of filling my spirit and helping me to not live a fear based life. Because I know that in my fear I am not a healing force in this world, on any level, as a friend or a mom or a coach or just as a human being.

I know what it's like to live a life full of fear and anxiety and I know what it can do to my health and to my everyday quality of life. So I am very mindful of what I choose to fill my senses with.

I am reading a fantastic book right now by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly and I want to quote something she wrote. She was talking about that feeling we tend to have when we get filled with joy and then stop ourselves from being vulnerable because we start to expect "the other shoe to drop" if we feel "too" happy.

Brene writes:

"And our culture assists in this doom-filled rehearsal: Most of us have a stockpile of terrible images that we can pull from at the instant we're grappling with vulnerability. I often ask audience members to raise their hands if they've seen a graphically violent image in the past week. About twenty percent of the audience normally raises their hands. Then I reframe the question: 'raise your hand if you've watched the news, CSI, NCIS, Law & Order, Bones, or any other crime show on TV.' At that point about eight to ninety percent of the audience hands go up. We have the images we need to activate foreboding joy right at our fingertips."

My intention is not to tell people what they should or should not watch on television. My mission is simply mindfulness. If you live in fear often and/or have a lot of worry or anxiety perhaps you may want to take stock of what you are choosing to view.

Do you feel like there are no good people in the world as a result of what you see reported on the news? Because there are in fact many out there. Do you live with a sense dread? If so maybe watch less of the news. There are plenty of ways to be informed.

Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? If your answer is yes have you ever questioned what you are feeding your mind and spirit before bed?

Personally I know what I can and can't watch if I want to be on a more even keel within as I am a highly sensitive person. But either way, again, it's all about mindfulness of our "entertainment" and"information." Taking stock of what works best for you can help promote a clearer, more joyful, less fear based experience of life.