In a session with a client the other day we were talking
about a particular work situation she had encountered that made her feel bad.
And I was asking her some probing questions and having her bring up some things
about her work that were positive and that made her feel good. And after a few
moments she said to me “but sometimes I just want to be able to feel the way I
feel.” And I was so glad she said that because it helped me to clarify
something for her. That she is
absolutely 100% allowed to feel her feelings. And she should feel her feelings!
By helping her to focus on more positive aspects of her job I was simply trying
to help her to see the other side of the coin, not tell her how she should
feel.
It seems that when people start doing any kind of
affirmative work or begin using the power of positive thinking or embarking on
a path of personal growth and development it can come with some pressure to be
positive. And while I see limitless goodness in focusing on the positive, that does not mean that people are not allowed
to feel what they are feeling. I can often be heard saying to clients “where
you are is where you are. And that’s OK.” The work that I am leading folks to
however is to not get STUCK in those bad feeling or negative places.
I believe that we need to feel and process what were are experiencing.
I don’t think it’s healthy to pretend that we feel great when there is
underlying stuff going on and then to use feeling “positive” as a Bandaid. Allowing
yourself to feel what you feel is a matter of processing your feelings. For
example, someone at my client’s job said something that offended her and hurt her
feelings. Should she pretend it didn’t and that she feels just hunky-dory? No,
I don’t believe so. But what I recommended to her is feel how you need to and
then let it go. Don’t hang on to that anger. Hanging on to negativity can (and
probably will) make you sick.
And that’s where positive thinking comes in. It’s
about where your focus is. I asked her if there were people at her job that
told her things that made her feel good and she said yes. And then I asked her
which feels better, to think about the things that made her feel good or that
felt bad? She answered to think about the things that feel good. So that’s
where I asked her to keep her focus. Those thoughts were a matter of choice for
her and it was within her control to decide to focus on the negative or the
positive.
This is different than looking at the glass half empty or
half full. When encountering a situation
and then choosing how to look at it, I would absolutely then recommend the
glass half full because most of the time what we believe will come to pass most
certainly will. So why not expect the best! If you’re afraid to expect the best
because you don’t want to be disappointed I can pretty much assure you that
expecting the worst will leave you feeling worse than some potential disappointment
and if disappointment is going to come why preface it with negative
expectations? How does that really serve you? People think it keeps them safe
or being realistic but it actually ends up making them feel unhappy.
This work that asks you to look at the positives in your
life is not about pressure to feel good all of the time. No one feels good ALL
of the time. But all emotional states are transient. They only become static
when we choose to hold on to the anger, pain, fear, blame, or any negative
emotions. We consciously choose to hold on to those emotions and they don’t
feel good so why not choose to hold on to the better feeling emotions? There is
always another side of the coin, the work is to be conscious of looking for it
so it becomes about moving through what doesn’t feel good to choosing to focus
on what does. And it’s that place where I believe staying positive leads to a
happier and healthier life experience.
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